Day 1: Baked Chicken (16 oz!) with Brussel Sprouts.
I’ve already cried once today (in yoga class) from sugar withdrawal/sheer terror. I trust that I’ll be OK.
Intermezzo
This post has been on my mind for the past week, so I’m glad to finally take the time to write it. And to get back to writing, period. I experienced probably one of the greatest honors of my life over the Memorial Day weekend, when I got asked to sing at one of my best friend’s weddings in Arizona. I sang one of my all-time favorites, “Rock With You,” to my friend, her husband, and 128 of their closest friends and family members. I also sang a cover of Beyonce’s “Dangerously in Love,” and I have to tell you - the joy that came from singing to my friend as she had her first dance as a new wife was truly second to none.
The fun part about singing at the wedding was that it happened during the dinner’s Intermezzo. “Intermezzo” is what it sounds like: the intermission between the first and second courses when you ‘reset’ your palette in anticipation of the entree to come. In many ways, this is how I see my life right now - like and Intermezzo.
During this time “in between courses” in my own life, I’ve had to do a lot of hard thinking that’s led me, more confidently than before, to the belief that we really are here for a purpose. There is a reason we are all equipped with different gifts, passions, ideas, wisdom, and adventures to share. I am learning to make peace with one of mine - singing. I love to sing. I love music. However, one of my greatest loves has been associated with some of my most painful moments, both as a child and now as an adult working like so many of us to find our way back home, to the identities we know belong to us. I’ll be honest here. This is the first Demon I am working to conquer.
I have a second Demon, almost as large as the first. I was a creative child, but NOT athletic by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I was FAT. Kids at school and unfortunately a parent at home made a good point to remind of this almost daily, to the point where even as a child, my weight was a constant obsession, a true Demon that I had resigned myself to be forever unable to conquer.
Until now.
It finally hit me today that I’m bored. I’m bored with silence. I’m bored with feeling stuck. I’m bored with giving so much power to my Demons. So I’ve decided to tackle them one at a time, in reverse order. I’m starting with the Second: Body. Over the next 30 days I’m writing about my progress conquering my Body and letting go of the fat kid who took comfort in a cookie but found shame intermixed. I’m ready to let go of the fat kid who looks at someone in shape and says “that will never be you”. I’m just ready to finally step into the person that fat kid wants to be.
So - here’s what I’m going to do. For the next 30 days I’m going to keep a very strict log on my phone of what I’m eating and the exercise I undertake. I don’t want to overwhelm you with information or data, but I will write a post each night for the next 30 days and attach a picture of my dinner. This is also for me in that it will keep me honest, and help me on the road back to home. Today is Day 1.
IN TransIT,
B*ING
Today is a really cool day for me, for a number of reasons. First, and most importantly, today represents the first step of many that I’m successfully taking “for my demons”. So, what happened exactly, and why for your demons? Here goes:
Today, for my demons, I experienced B*ING. The most obvious substitute for my crafty * is the letter L, for BLING. Yes, I did it. I bought myself a life present! A “big boy” gift of BLING. The Cartier Pasha tank that now sits on my wrist is something that I’ve wanted since I first became In TransIT way back in October 2009. I put a picture of this watch on my bedroom wall because I love it, and knew that I had to have it someday. To me, it’s a life present that very much symbolizes a goal achieved, an old era gone by, and a new one beginning and taking beautiful shape.
The second part of B*ING is the letter E, for BEING. My BLING very much represents an important and hard lesson I’ve had to learn over the last two years in BEING. Back in 2010, someone said to me that I needed to learn how to just “BE”. He said that BLING like my Cartier watch on the wall kept me from BEING, which in effect rendered me a bad and unworthy person in his eyes. Sadly, I’ve really struggled with that statement and concept for the last two years. I internalized what was seen by one set of eyes and assumed that I had no value in all sets of eyes. Even as my self-esteem took a prolonged nosedive, I continued to try and understand - when we are BEING, what are we actually doing?
Sadly, the answer to this question did not fully resonate with me until March 29th, when my paternal grandmother died. Her death, while logically not shocking, really struck me because I believed she was invincible. My grandma Missy was essentially my primary caretaker until I was three years old, as my mother and father were finishing their medical residencies. She in effect was like my mother in my earliest days, and her death broke the bottom of my heart.
As I grieved and prepared the eulogy I delivered at her funeral last week, I also began to celebrate. I ceased grieving a seemingly invincible woman pulled into death by age and circumstance (she was 82). Instead, I celebrated a woman who raised 14 children BY HERSELF, who was the foundation of East Baltimore’s religious community though she never had a license or a car, who received a Master’s degree in Theology at 80 YEARS OLD. I celebrated a woman who had mastered the art of B*ING.
For those who knew my grandmother - and I know there are many, since there were 300 people at her funeral (!!!) - she loved fashion. While never monetarily rich, she was always rich in spirit, love, honesty, and STYLE. She adorned herself with what B(L)ING she could - and looked GOOD! More valuable and lasting, though, was her commitment to B(E)ING. My grandmother Missy was always and undeniably HERSELF. Her spirit will last forever for its unconditional commitment to BEING. She was a woman who was always true to herself and to others - even when they didn’t want her to be!
So, what does a Cartier watch have to do with my grandmother? Actually, a LOT. In her lifetime, her commitment to BEING brought her family up from the aftermath of slavery and abject poverty to a place where her 26 year old grandson can buy Cartier. That is TRULY a miracle, a blessing, and such a testament to what her unwavering spirit has done for me - and my entire family.
They also matter and are related because her death was my first real and heavy reminder that we are only temporary visitors on this Earth. It finally hit me, by reflecting on my grandmother’s life, what BEING actually means, and what we do when we are BEING.
While we are here, we have no choice but to master just that - BEING. If a part of BEING is having BLING, then DO IT. Work hard. Pursue dreams. Explore. Travel. Live. Love. But most important of them all - BE. Be true to your gifts that are unique to you. Share them. Cultivate them. Be true to your spirit that is occupying your body for this earthly journey, because, if you’re not - then what really is the purpose of B*ING?
Your New Normal
I’m sure I’m incredibly behind the ball, but last weekend I finally had the chance to stream “Never Say Never” on Netflix. The documentary that goes inside the life and success of Justin Bieber, and how Scooter Braun leveraged the young popster’s YouTube clout to build a global megabrand. The story is obviously impressive, but what struck me most was an exchange Justin had with his vocal coach. Paraphrased, it went something like this:
Justin: “Sometimes I just wish I had a normal life!”
Coach: “This IS your new normal. Get used to it.”
What a powerful statement! I love it, because normal is ENTIRELY relative. It is up to us to decide what our “normal” will be - and to then live it. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, as I’ve embarked on a New Normal of my own. My new normal includes waking up at the crack of dawn to exercise, balancing an exciting but very new workload in addition to new music I’m currently recording, and learning to better respect my mind, my body, and the resources given to me.
I’ll tell you now. It’s exhausting. And, like the exhaustion Justin expressed, I feel it, and want to express it! When I look at the work I still have to do to continue to grow and develop to who I want to be, who I know and decided I am, I can often grow frustrated, impatient - and terribly sad.
I’ve been learning how to sit with my sadness, though. To feel it, to understand it, and then to remind it of my commitment to my New Normal. My New Normal works through sadness. It acts in accordance with feels right to its Inner Voice. My New Normal has discipline, courage, and if need be - is comfortable standing alone and fighting for the light I know has been bestowed on me to share.
So this weekend as you enjoy the Super Bowl, take a minute to think about what a New Normal may look like to you, and then commit to fight for it.
IN TransIT,
In With the New
Over the past few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about the pivotal moment in time in which we live. We live in the crux of what many call a New Economy, a changing of the guard from established traditions to a nascent frontier of possibility, challenge, and opportunity. Whether it be the controversy surrounding SOPA and PIPA, the heated anticipation with which we go into an election year, or digesting the massive amount of information hitting the waves on personal branding and the future of employment trends, the world is fundamentally changing.
In many ways, I feel similar changes in my own life. Right now, everything is very new. I am beginning new opportunities in my work life, enjoying new personal beginnings, and am learning to celebrate my new voice which has emerged from much of the old confusion and introspection that had become my norm for the last 18 months. And I have to tell you - as excited and THANKFUL I am for all of the new, wonderful beginnings in my life, I am also nervous, maybe even a bit scared.
Questions flood my mind like “Am I ready for these new beginnings? Can I handle the challenges that come with opportunity?” These questions seem to be the common thread that tie the New to the Old, and often hold it down. It is my firm belief, though, that until we learn to cut those ties, we will continue to be tested. I recently experienced such a test and finally confirmed that the cord has been cut. There is no returning to the Old. It is time to step into the New.
With such commitment comes a new strength, a new sense of peace and resolve, that I have rarely felt before. It is one that is born from within instead of being validated externally. It is one that can confidently learn from the Old, accept it, and use those lessons to better adapt to and benefit from the New. So, I say - the time is now. In with the New!
IN TransIT,
Rebirth
At the dawn of every new year, we talk new resolutions, goals, and commitments - many of which are (appropriately) counter to our previous habits. My only concern with them is that they create an inherent tension in our minds that can be frustrating to reconcile. I say this because a resolution to, for example, “Go to the Gym 5 Times per Week” is telling your “Old Self” that something is wrong with it. No Self wants to hear that! Hence the struggle. “Old Self” is set in its ways, and will put up quite the fuss to maintain its status quo - ESPECIALLY in light of the judgment pointed its way.
What if, instead, we concentrated on the new year as a time of Rebirth? A new beginning for our ENTIRE selves, with “Old Self” active in the dialogue. Taking the time to examine one’s “Old Self,” to see what at the core makes its soul pop - and working to honor that in the coming year - seems to me a beautiful new beginning, a Rebirth of one’s Inner Voice that gives way to a “New Self”.
I have recently experienced such a Rebirth, and I can say that I am SO THANKFUL. As you all have read and understood on my blog, the last 18 months have been dark, tumultuous, and wrought with confusion and hesitancy over who I am at my core. I was in a meeting about three months ago - the time of my last post - that finally woke me up. My spirit had been roused, and I knew then that I was not living in a way that was conducive to my physical world. But more importantly, it was violating my spiritual world.
So, I did what I’ve been struggling to do for 18 months. I FOUGHT. And I don’t mean with other people; I mean with myself and my Universe in “status quo” mode. I worked night and day. I took personal and reputation risks, and I WORKED to achieve my own Rebirth. If my job wasn’t working for me? I found a new one. If a personal relationship wasn’t working for what I know my Heart and my Love need, I found a new one. I think it is so important to remember: if something in your life isn’t working, FIND A NEW ONE.
This applies most of all to our Inner Voice, that little dialogue that stays with us for at least all of this physical life. Listen to what it needs. Listen to how it wants to live and prepare for eternity. Then, fashion a new life that gets you - and it - one step closer. Only then can we fully experience a Rebirth that gets us back on track to what we were sent to this great Earth to do, see - and be.
Shut Out the Noise, and Create Your Own
It’s been a pretty busy - even tumultuous - week in my life, and after drinking a grande black coffee from Starbucks at 10pm, I cannot sleep (no surprise, here). I’m also late to the game learning about the truly heartbreaking tragedy of Jamey Rodemeyer. To me, it conjures up so much heartache, so much anger, I found it hard to breathe. Why do we tolerate such hate? Why do we allow fear to fester and ripen into such darkness? It is my true belief that fear is at the root of so much evil, so much destruction and waste. All I can ask myself as I reflect on the suffering of this poor child is - WHY?
Tonight, though, I was reminded of WHY it is so important to be brave and stand up for your passion, what you believe in, and for the uplifting of others. Jamey was such a strong boy. In the face of fear, insecurity, and hatred - he persisted. It breaks my heart, though, that this evil broke his. It broke his spirit. And now he is gone.
I am 26 years old and struggle with finding my bravery almost every hour of every day. I could only begin to imagine the fight inside of this 14 year old boy. The only thing that comes to my mind is SHUT OUT THE NOISE. SHUT OUT THE NOISE. It is crucial that we all learn to create our OWN.
My critics (of which there are many) say that this is selfish. That it’s greedy. That it’s self-absorbed and egocentric. Even narcissistic. After 17 months of believing such ignorance I adamantly disagree. The creation of one’s own noise is self-love at its healthiest, and there is NOTHING narcissistic, self-absorbed, or selfish about that. It is the acceptance of our intrinsic light, and only through sharing it can we create more light. Shame on the people who use their fear as a platform to tear others down. SHAME ON THEM.
To everyone else: Be Brave. Shut Out the Noise, and Create Your Own.
5
This weekend got me thinking about lots of things, the most important being the importance of keeping dreams alive. And I mean ALL dreams. Whether it be to achieve a certain goal, become an even better version of ourselves, to start a family, or even a new workout routine, it is so SO important that those visions and goals and dreams stay ALIVE!
Yet - how does one totally ensure that? I for one am still learning, one day at a time. The last fifteen months of my life have centered in excruciating agony and detail around this very question. How do I make all of my dreams - as I see them today - a reality? How do I keep myself open to how these dreams may evolve in the process?
All I can think of now is that pursuing any dream is a GRIND. It takes consistency and patience - two virtues that do not come easily to someone like me! I’m finally learning for myself - in a natural, spiritually encouraging way, that it’s OK to take the time to find your grind. But once you find it, STAY ON IT. Every so often, a grind must be re-aligned, re-calibrated, or even re-designed, but once done STAY ON.
To help me stay on my new grind, I am recommitting to a task that serves personalities like mine well. It is the task of ‘5’. Each day, challenge yourself to do 5…yes, 5! specific tasks directed towards the achievement of any goal that you set for yourself.
Life is a grind. Get on it and do your ‘5’. This will keep your dreams alive.
IN TransIT,
Breathing / Beating
I write to you from my mother’s dining room table in Maryland, where I sought solace from Hurricane Irene over the weekend. The preparations, queasy anticipation, and forced pause have given me ample chance to reflect on this summer, and on what it means to breathe. On what it means to have a heart that beats. I learned fully - and from the most entertaining of places - that to breathe, to beat, means that we can in fact, start all over again.
The most entertaining of places happens to be an episode from Season 7 of Desperate Housewives. No spoilers here, but I highly suggest to take a listen to saxophonist Dave Koz. His single “Start All Over Again” appeared in the episode I mention, and features Dana Glover. To call this anthem a poignant reflection of my summer and the perfect promise for tomorrow is an understatement. I will break down some of the lyrics now to walk through where I have been, where part of me remains stuck now, and - while more a process than an event - where I am now, more committed than ever, to start all over again.
I’ve been where the 1st verse describes. We all, unfortunately, have been there. I think back to April of this year, when I more of less let Soul Pop U and every dream I had for myself - be, for a little bit. I wouldn’t call it a capitulation so much as I would call it a resignation of my spirit. I let its light diminish, with the quiet thought in the back of my head that when it was ready, the light would come back. My mother, upon looking at me last week, though, said it was as if “someone had turned my lights out”. And she was right. That’s how I lived most of this summer - with my lights out.
And in my mind, it made sense to “turn out the lights”. I was adjusting to a new life in so many ways, all while making peace with so many things that I loved from last year more or less vanish - whether it be the people I loved personally and professionally, the work I created and accomplished, the life I was designing on my own terms in tandem with my own heart. It was painful. It was embarrassing. And for the time being, I had to say “I can’t”. So, that’s what I tried to do - to no real avail.
I learned that there is quite a bit of fighting involved in conquering a stubborn mind, a longing heart, and a restless spirit. My summer has in some ways felt like incessant cabin fever within my body - it honestly gives me the jitters. I’ve wanted to DO SOMETHING.
However, anything I have done has been motivated from outside, not from within. While that can be validating - and can provide some sort of fleeting vindication - it is just that: fleeting vindication. Only recently I have talked myself through the process of being intrinsically motivated again, of understanding that I in fact DO deserve to dream, aspire, inspire, and be inspired. I do deserve to WORK. I do deserve to PLAY. I do deserve to LOVE and BE LOVED. We all do, and as long as we are breathing and our hearts our beating we deserve to begin again - happily - towards the manifestation of all of these things. One of the things that I’ve had a hard time remembering is that - it is NOT TOO LATE. It is never too late. Beginning with an event - for me, the decision to open my heart and sing “Goodbye Sorrow / Hello Tomorrow” - I have begun the process of starting all over again. I thank you for your support, and can’t wait to continue this journey - all over again.
Take a step back
Turn around
Look at the world that you’ve let down
My, my - such a disgrace
The damage is done - you can’t replace it
These are the things your mind will tell you
These are the things your heart will say
These are the thoughts that leave you hopeless
These are the times you say “there is no way”
But as long as you are breathing, you can start all over again
If your heart’s beating, you can start all over again
Goodbye Sorrow
Hello Tomorrow
You can start all over
Wake up to the perfect sun
The long night is over, a new day has begun
Oh yes, dare to believe
Mercy flows in the morning
Your spirit is set free
These are the things your mind will tell you
These are the things your heart will say
These are the thoughts that leave you fearless
These are the hands that point the way
As long as you are breathing, you can start all over again
If your heart’s beating, you can start all over again
Goodbye Sorrow
Hello Tomorrow
You can start all over
